| Summary: | Aliens blamed for recent robbery by Waddage layout king -,, 85 mattresses and 100 televi-sion remote controllers were stolen from the Sellit Inn recent-ly. Eyewitnesses claim that 3 "dif-ferent looking" individuals were to blame. The night auditor at the Sellit Inn. James Jones, claimed. "They wuz weird lookin' fellers. Big eyes that bugged out and they wore purple and gold things, sor-ta like capes. Each one had 4 arms an Tjout a dozen "sticky" fingers on each hand. They was real creepy like. Though it was a col-lege fraternity prank, never can tell bout them schools, anyhows, I kept ma' eyes on 'em. They entered a room and then another, an another, so I called the cops, I don't know how they did it but they done got away." When thepolice arrived on the scene, they found Jones in a catatonic state, mumbling about "purple and yellow stuff." He was treated for shock at St. Rightgard and released. They also found many rooms that had been entered and the mattresses and remote controls were just gone, There were no signs of struggle, even in rooms that were occupied "People just woke up on the floor the next morning," said L Got Ubabe, Moosehead Police Chief. "A lot of people were con-fused, especially since none of their belongings were taken." Bert Fondleowski. a Mineapple business-person, said that the first thing he does in the.morning is turn on the T.V. "When I woke up, I couldn't find the remote control. I didn't even notice my mattresses were missing, I was so busy looking for the remote,'* <)^:,.-^;:>;-^ ^ Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Slobber eskimo tribe found in Northern Canada by Hey Lumpee plagiarizing editor Sociology professor Nich Eggo, on a recent excursion to Devon Island located in the upper northern islands of Canada, made a startling discovery. He found the Eskimos who dwell in this frozen Siberian-like wasteland, have a religion which nearly defies explanation. Professor Eggo said they are a discovery of magnificent proportions, but that he still does not completely understand them. "The tribe, as difficult as it may be to believe, seem to be worshipping a slobber like entity. There religion is based on Discordia!" said the pro-fessor with an air of hysteria. The tribe, or as Eggo has dubbed them, the pseudo-slobbers, have er-rected a giant corn-cob in the center of their village and appear to worship it Eggo observed the tribe for a year and said the pseudo-slobbers pay homage to the corn-cob nightly, in a bizarre ritual which entails mar-ching around the corn statue and greeting fellow tribe people with un bridled enthusiasm and happiness. Following this hedonistic display, the pseudo-slobbers move to the feast, which by custom is prepared in a mysterious fashion. The tribes favorite meal, according to findings by Eggo, is whale patty pizza. This is simply a patty of whale blubber covered with pizza sauce. It may sound untempting, but the tribe has an undying craving for the bounty. Following the meal, the tribes peo-ple break into song honoring the great tribal god who they curiously have named Ducky. The leader of the tribe, Chief Corngas, reportedly said the hymnals are to ensure hap-piness and the status quo. Said Cor-ngas, "If we do not rejoice nightly in song, the great Ducky will take vengence upon us, and our beautiful paradise will cease to exist." After the songs, the tribe ambles back to their teepees and quietly set-tles in for a good night sleep. They do this because they realize that there is a big day ahead. But according to professor Eggo, the tribe does not live in total peace and tranquility. The professor ADVENTURE EXCITING WORK ABSOLUTELY NO PAY If your interested in any of the above. Then the Piece Corps is for you!! The Piece Corps will provide you with the opportunity to travel to impoverished, underdeveloped countries, serve your fellow man and most importantly, become their financial equivalents. "Go For Broke" Contact your Piece Corps recruiter c/o Local Shelter for the Homeless Your town, U.S.A. discovered, after extensive research, that the pseudo-slobbers are at war with two surrounding tribes. "I have found the tribes people to be warr-ing with tribes to the east and west of their location." said Eggo. Ap-parently the pseudo-slobbers attack and are attacked by the other eskimos. As of yet no tribe has gain-ed a superior upper hand, but the pseudo-slobbers did manage to cap-ture three enemy eskimo women and are now training them as slaves. Professor Eggo was not entirely sure what coerced the peace loving pseudo-slobbers into warfare, but he did venture a guess. "As I see it," he chortled, "the pseudo-slobbers are further along the evolutionary chain then are the other tribes. This naturally gives them a higher intellect and with it, a sense of superiority. They natural-ly feel the need to wipe out the other tribes in order to populate the world with tribes of their own kind. It's sort of a survival, of the fittest" Apparently the other tribes have managed to survive because of their immense size. Professor Eggo had very little idea how the tribe actually came into ex-istance, but for the Discordian, he did hazard a guess. "Their formation most likely began following the last ice age" he said, "Having survived the ice age, the tribe probably became quite delerious and vowed to maintain a state of happiness." However, the corn cob connection did have Please see Tribe / 8 by Debbie Doo-wah sex therapist Three Discordia students found themselves in hordes and gobs of trouble last week. The three-all members of Stud Association-were in Washingstone, D.C., to lobby for student rights. Well, they were supposed to be lob-bying for student rights but they never really got around to it. The three students indicated were Geoff Gohnson, SA pres., Knut Kob-son, SA v.pres., and Chip (X Pie, political swindler. The news followed fast on the heals of their previous indiscretions of smoking, stoking and poking on the beaches of Acupulco during spring break. Anyway, the new allegaries came about when Gohnson called back to DLscordia and asked Stud Advocate Okie Dang to mail $1 million for bail "Of course I sent the $1 million," Dang crunched.'*But then I got to wondering, what did they want the $1 million for? They're usually such nice guys. I was shocked and appall-e d . " It seems Gohnson, Kobson and Pie went to Washingstone with things other than lobbying on their minds. More precisely, they went with ideas of drinking, stinking and finking. It all started on the airplane ride out there when Gohnson decided that he wanted more alcohol than the measly little 0.2 oz. allotted by the stewardess. Pie, not wanting to be left out of the melee, joined and requested more peanuts. Whe.n they were ignored, Knobson promptly started a riot-nothing that a few Band-aids wouldn't fix, though, be-ing nice Slobbers. Upon disembarkation, the three created an even bigger scene, when by a fluke of nature, they had to go through customs. Gohnson's sat-chels were literally torn apart I guess for drugs-Robitussin, Nodoze and Midol. But being college students all they found was an iguana. So much for the drug charge. The next stop was the hotel. The iiree really had fun there-the type of un we can't print in a newspaper of in ELCA college. Let's just suffice t to say the old mattress springs real-y got a.work-out, as did the bar in he corner of the room. You see one of their role models is John Tauer, defunct ex-senator who used to be nominated for the Secretary of Defense but who got in trouble for wining and womenizing and who knows what else but he didn't get the nomination because not enough people liked him. Anyway, these three did like him, and finding themselves in the grand capital, decided to live it up just like Tauer. (Oh, by the way. Did you hear they have a new drink out? It's a whiskey sour without the whiskey. It's called a Tauer Sour.) Gohnson, who left his gum behind, called Tauer a righteous dude. "I like his hair gel," Gohnson coiff-ed. "And anyway, he has morals everybody at Discordia should be proud of. He doesn't lie." In the meantime, Pie found himself between a rock and a hard place. It seems he was arrested for s o l i c i t a t i o n . . "I got picked up," Pie ejaculated. 'Too bad it wasn't by the right peo-p l e . " Kobson was busy with v.p. J. Roasted Quail at this time. It seems Kobson was conspiring with Quail about how to be a loser and still get e l e c t e d . (Oh, by the way. Do you know what America learned from Maryland Quail? Men aren't the on-ly ones who marry dumb blondes.) "I really shouldn't say this," Kob-son averred,"but I want to grow up to cheat on my wife just like Roast We all know he just looks like the kind of playboy who has, and who could blame him, after all." Richard Rubout, head of Discor-dia senate, got so mad at the three bastardly dopes for wasting students' money on what was supposed to be a lobbying trip, that he put out a hit on them. "I know that Washingstone's the murder capital of the nation," Rubout snuffed. "I just thought I'd capitalize on that." The assassination was failed when the bullets hit Tauer's shot glass in-stead of their bodies. "Oh, well," sputtered Rubout "Better luck next time." Dean of students Morris "Poor" Planning was shocked and appalled at the whole turn of events. "I'm shocked and appalled, " he chorted. "They're never getting out of my sight again. I can't trust them any farther than I can throw them-which isn't far." Where's Wade? DR. STANLEY IDES-OF-MARCH OFFERS YOU HIS KEYS TO SUCCESS, WEALTH, AND LOVE Dear Slime, Do you lack self-confidence? Are you stuck in a nowhere religious college with a nowhere major and nowhere friends? So was I until I discovered the Secret of Caesar (R). Julius Caesar had a speech impediment, severe acne, and the I. Q. of a salad (no pun intended) and HE RULED ROME. See? Anybody can do it, even you. A week before I discovered the secret, I lost all three of my full-time jobs, my house and pets were repossessed, and a tree fell on my car. I spent my last 35 cents to join an expedition to Rome! I discovered the ancient text, translated it, and learned how to live like a king. Now I own fourteen cars, three houses, two more houses, and I made a deal last week which makes me sole owner of Pete Rose. You too can enjoy my success. There's no selling, no stuffing envelopes, no harmful chemicals, and you don't even have to translate the stuff from the original Latin because I've already done it. Just send $37.95 plus $14 for shipping and handling and you, too, can share the secret Sincerely (and I mean that), Dr. Stanley ides-of-March
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