Page 8

• Language: unknown
• Published: 1988
• Subjects: Antarctic; Blanche; Canada; Deacon; Uana; Antarc*
• Online Access: http://cdm16921.contentdm.oclc.org/cdm/ref/collection/p16921coll4/id/22792

Construction workers have been busy keeping vigil over the stranded golden-dome iguanas. Here a construction worker relieves himself (behind the shed) after his shift at the pond. Magnificent mall makes men meditate by Ken Marchlngband floatie king Developers of the new Campus Shopping Mall said Tuesday that 18 Stores have already leased Space in the 940,000 square-foot Complex. According to Clydesdale. Allah, Vice President for Business Affairs, the Shopping Mall represents a "real Break in Tradition from previous architectural Styles on the Discordia Campus." The Mall will be the first Campus Building not to include tan Brick and orange Signs. "So many of our Buildings and Students are Blonde. We don't want this Mall to just blend in and go un-noticed," Allah said. The Shopping Mall will feature a Tas-T-Frees, fast-food Restaurants, Clothing Stores, Video Arcades, a six-lane Bowling Alley and a modern Transportation System. The "Cat- Scan" Transportation System (CAT for Campus Area Transit) will be connected to all Academic Building, Dining Halls, and Study Carrels. "The CAT-Scan will solve our Need for addition Parking Lots," Allah said. "Students won't need cars anymore because they can take care of Everything right on Campus — from Shopping to Recreation." Financing for the Shopping Mall is built right into the Plan, so no new Funds will have to be raised. "The Mall will take up such a large Portion of the Discordia Campus that our Expense for watering the Grass will be cut in Half," Allah said. "The Amount of Money saved will be more than enough to cover the Cost of constructing the Mall." Students will be sure to use the new Shopping Mall because an ex-pense Account will be included in the Comprehensive Fee Recorded on everyone's Fee Statement The Expense Account must be used to comply with the new Campus Dress Code with goes into Effect on Jan. 1. That Dress Code states that Students must wear at least $94 woth of Clothes at all Times. The Admissions Staff is excited because Construction of the Mall will finally allow them to solve the Discor-dia Equation, according to Barbary Handsel, Assistant to the Director of Admissions. "In recent Years, it was getting hard to bring our Equation into Equilibrium," Handsel said. "The Mall will allow us to add Fashionai and Financial Expression into the Equation, so it will be in balance once again." Iguanas by Ken Marchlngband floatie king A pair of golden-domed ig-uanas are trapped in ice on Sexy's Pond. Rescue efforts have been continuous since the iguanas were first discovered by Moosehead State University biology students on Tuesday. A third iguana, which appeared to be an inflatable blow-up toy, is assumed dead, or at least popped, after it disappeared overnight Thor Tharaldsingerhummen, assistant professor of biology at Moosehead State said that rescue efforts have been hampered by the thin ice covering the pond. "The ice is too thin for anyone to walk on, and the iguanas just don't have the power to break through the ice by themselves. But we intend to win this battle with mother nature, and rescuers will be taking efforts to make the ice thickerer," Tharalds-ingerhummen said. 'The North Forty State University professors have decid-ed to join us in this rescue effort by sending over two Model-XL ice makers from their dining hall/1 Tharaldsingerhummen said. 'The machines can crank out more ice in one hour than a dieter can chew in an entire year." The iguanas apparently fell in-to the pond after being scared by construction workers involved in renovating Deacon Hippie Hall. Lars Hammergren, foreman of Hacksaw Construction Co, Inc. said construction worders feel "awfully bad" that the iguanas fell into the pond. The workers have joined the rescue effort by taking turns catering noon lunch to the iguanas. "We all take turns giving our sandwiches to the iguanas each day. Each day except Thursday that is, because that's when we all bring egg salad. Iguanas don't like egg salad," Hammergren said. Officials of the International Coalition on Reptile Heath and Safety (ICRHS) are expected to arrive in Moosehead sometime today or tomorrow. They may not actually arrive by today or tomor-row, but at least they are plann-ing to leave by today or tomor-row. So whether they arrive by to-day or tomorrow depends on how long it takes to get here. The ICRHS officials are com-ing because they are concerned that the iguanas may not be able to participate in the iguana mating season which is schedul-ed for three days from now. 'The iguana population has been dipping to dangerous lows in recent years, and we want to be sure that every able-bodied ig-uana is able to take part," an ICRHS official said. Officials had initially feared that the iguanas would be harpooned by the Oscargaard tribe which makes its home just a stone's throw from Sexy's Pond. Lizards are valued for their long tails and beautiful dorsal crests, but only certain varities of iguanas can command a price. Play Seminars with aBroad < ' ] "Join me on the next Play Seminar* "Fashion and Fabrics of East Berlin" (They buy fabric by the bolt) "Eating Disorders of Third World Nations" led by Virginia Slim "Montana: a trip in a pickup" led by Blanche "Baa Baa" Rancher "Antarctic Architecture" led by S. K. Mohs "Free Trade in Canada: study of the NHL" led by the McKenzie brothers "Saudi Arabia sand box tours" (Please b.y.o.t — bring your own toys) Telephone giving you problems? Having a hard time getting through? Rates too high? If so, you should switch to Dixie Cup Direct! With Dixie Cup Direct, you'll: • NEVER have a busy signal • NEVER have a phone bill • NEVER have a dial tone It's just you, a paper cup, and a piece of string. We know it sounds too good to be true . Actually, you have to hear it to believe it! So rush 3 cents today to Dixie Cup Direct, and receive a couple Dixie Cups, two pieces of tape, and miles and miles of string. 'Dixie Cup Direct. the back-to-basics communications company.' 8 • The Discordian • Dec. 25,1988