| Summary: | 2 ` Address 901 8th St. S. FPO 214 Moorhead, MN 56562 Phone 222-222-2222 Email cordcordcord@cord.edu Website writefortheconcordian.com Co Editors in Chief Karen Besonen Maddie Malat News Editor Hans K. Peter Opinion Editor Austin Gerth Sports Editor Kallie Eberling Variety Editor Kaley Sievert Photo Editor Maddie Malat Copy Editor Karis Baerenwald Web Editor Marit Johnson Business Manager Misty Gobel Advertising Manager Tabitha Durbin Advisor Catherine McMullen About Us The purpose of The Concordian is to make it all up. This isn’t serious. It’s ok. Subscriptions Subscriptions are available to the public for $25 per year. Distribution on campus is free and is funded in part by the Student Activity Fee. Corrections The Concordian strives to publish accurate information.Except this week. Have a story idea? If you see news or hear news, send your tips to concord@cord.edu. theconcordian.org • April 1, 2016 NEWS THE CONCORDIAN THE CONCORDIAN Campus Safety Report 3/29/16 SMELL OF MARIJUANA WITH A HINT OF LAVENDER 3/29/16 SMELL OF GLADE’S OCEAN BREEZE 3/30/16 NO ALCOHOL FOUND HERE 3/31/16 SMELL OF OVER-WORKED ATHLETE 3/31/16 SMELL OF LEMON PEPPER CAPELLINI 3/31/16 STUDENT EMPLOYEE FALLS DOWN PERIODICAL STAIRS. PARAMEDICS CALLED 4/1/16 MUSIC MAJOR PASSES OUT DURING BREATHNG EXERCISE PARAMEDICS CALLED 4/1/16 ATHLETE ACTIVITY FEES ENSTATED PARENT CALLS NEVER MIND Parking Services cracks KAREN BESONEN FORMER MODERATE A Parking Services Ticketing Brigade member has broken the vow of anonymity, and has come forward with the inner-workings of Concordia’s line of defense against outside-the-car-permit-placing-hell-raisers. Solomon Smithy has risen through the ranks pretty quickly for a freshman and now leads the entire ticketing brigade. “Nobody tells you about the quota system,” Smithy said. “Every Parking Services employee is required to turn in their student ID at the beginning of each shift. If we don’t give out at least ten tickets per shift, we don’t get our IDs back. No ID, no meal plan.” Smithy admits it’s a harsh system, but the ticket quota is in place for a reason. “It’s a dangerous world out there,” he said. “People are parking 2 centimeters over the yellow lines. Students are assuming that paying for a permit should guarantee a parking spot on campus, and they’re taking spots out of spite. It’s ridiculous how many people lack critical thinking.” According to Smithy, the ticketing prices went up this year to combat a 12% budget cut in the facilities department. Several positions were cut, and the deficit fell on the ticketing brigade’s shoulders. “I definitely think $18 is a fair punishment for parking over the lines,” Smithy said. “It doesn’t matter if it’s one inch or a ‘full-footer.’ If you touch the line, that’s a violation.” Smithy’s favorite day of the year is the “first melt.” The self-proclaimed holiday refers to the snow finally melting. “The yellow lines finally appear after a long winter, and no one is parked properly,” he smiles. “I buzz by with my iPad and record permit ID’s before the sun comes up. YOU get a ticket and YOU get a ticket and YOU get a ticket!” Smithy says most parking services employees remain anonymous for fear that they’ll be outcasted by their peers. He admits it’s an unpopular job, but “someone’s gotta do it.” Meanwhile, car wheels skid in the parking lots as students race for the few available spots. Smithy is encouraged by the recent reduction in fender-benders. “If you just keep Minnesota Nice in mind and take turns, everyone will get a spot eventually. However, if you’re idling as we drive by, you will get a ticket. The price went up to $30 as we Current employee comes forward with ticketing details BY KAREN BESONEN PROFESSIONALLY IN DEBT A mailroom break-in last semester prompted a campus-wide email, instructing students to keep their mailboxes locked. At the time, nobody knew who the culprits were. Now the guilty have come forward, and are claiming the heist was done for the benefit of the Cobber community. Concordia may not know Bryan Nguyen by name. The senior is often tucked in the corners of Carl B. studying chemistry and neuroscience, only conversing with his roommates when absolutely necessary. But everyone knows senior Ricky Satterness. The Concordia Choir tenor and all-around entertainer knows how to command a room with his well-timed wit. The mission required both brains and wit, according to Satterness. Nguyen is a master of being discrete. His Facebook doesn’t show any activity prior to 2012, and the urban legend states he really didn’t exist before then. Satterness and Nguyen have been close friends since freshman year of college. Satterness needed stealth to carry out this particular mission, so he approached his friend. “I was the mastermind,” Satterness said. “But there was no way I could sneak into the post office mailboxes without Bryan’s help. Subtlety isn’t my strength. I trip on things. My laugh is loud.” The plan was simple. Open the unlocked PO boxes and stuff them with unwanted advertisements. “We weren’t going to steal anything,” Nguyen said. “We just wanted to show Cobbers the importance of keeping their mailboxes locked.” On the day of the heist, they dressed in cashmere and waited. “It was late at night,” Satterness said. “We scoped out our target and made sure security wasn’t around and then made our move.” Within 30 minutes, they’d emptied the recycling bins, stuffed dozens of PO boxes and returned home. The next morning, freshman Jessica Longbody stood at her PO, crying. In her hands were pamphlets from Biolife, encouraging her to donate plasma. She crossed her hands to cover her inner-arms and ran, the pamphlets scattering in her wake. The post office staff heard the commotion and to their horror, discovered dozens of mailboxes stuffed to capacity with unwanted literature. They ran to their computers and opened Microsoft Word. Using size 48 Times New Roman, they created signs of warning. Unfortunately, the Maize printer was offline and Parke was charging 50 cents a sheet. With a lack of scotch tape to further complicate the situation, all they could do was wait and watch the mayhem unfold. The signs did print, two hours later. It was too late. Meanwhile, Nguyen was tucked away on the fourth floor of the library, smiling. Mailroom break-in solved SUBMITTED BY EDITOR KALLIE EBERLING, Above: Upon receiving a poor parking ticket, Eberling appealed and submitted the above photo. She was acquitted of all charges. Budget tell-all LONDON (AP) — The leak of millions of records on offshore accounts claimed its first high-profile political casualty Tuesday as Iceland’s prime minister stepped aside amid outrage over revelations he had used such a shell company to shelter large sums while Iceland’s economy was in crisis. Icelandic leader Sigmundur David Gunnlaugsson is the first major figure brought down by the publication of the names of rich and powerful people linked to the leaks, dubbed the Panama Papers. China and Russia, meanwhile, took the opposite approach, suppressing the news and rejecting any allegations of impropriety by government officials named in the leak of more than 11 million financial documents from a Panamanian law firm. Officials in Ukraine, Argentina and other countries are also facing questions about possibly dubious offshore tax-avoidance schemes. The reports are from a global group of news organizations working with the Washington-based International Consortium of Investigative Journalists. They have been processing records from the Mossack Fonseca law firm that were first leaked to Germany’s Sueddeutsche Zeitung newspaper. The announcement that Gunnlaugsson was stepping down as leader of Iceland’s coalition government came from his deputy, Sigurdur Ingi Johannsson, who is also the country’s agriculture minister. It followed the refusal by Iceland’s president to dissolve parliament and call a new election, and after thousands of Icelanders protested outside the parliament building in Reykjavik. No replacement has yet been named, and President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson did not immediately confirm that he had accepted the resignation. Late Tuesday, a government statement said Gunnlaugsson had suggested Johannsson take over as prime minister for “an unspecified amount of time,” while Gunnlauggson would stay on as leader of his center-right Progressive Party. Gunnlaugson has denied any wrongdoing and said he and his wife have paid all their taxes. He also said his financial holdings didn’t affect his negotiations with Iceland’s creditors during the country’s acute financial crisis. The leaked documents allege that Gunnlaugsson and his wife set up a company called Wintris in the British Virgin Islands with the help of the Panamanian law firm. Gunnlaugsson is accused of a conflict of interest for failing to disclose his involvement in the company, which held interests in failed Icelandic banks that his government was responsible for overseeing. Iceland, a volcanic North Atlantic island na
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