| Summary: | discordia college moorhead, minnesota 5656O March 9,1979 Vol. 71 No. 20 Senate hires Mafia bouncers The Discordia Student Senate made an unprecedented move last week when it announced the hiring of three Chicago-trained bouncers to help keep order at senate meetings. According to chairperson Lion John, the un-usual step was taken "to insure a continuation of the closed meet-ing procedure. We don't want senators to feel intimidated by the growing Communist threat." Apparently, several anti-demo-cratic forces have been at work on campus the past few months, attempting to undermine the power and authority of the student government. Current procedure calls for all non-senators to leave the meet-ing whenever a motion is made. This allows senators to freely discuss motions behind closed doors, avoiding pressure from special interest groups. Recent-ly, a movement (reportedly a coalition of Fascist and Commu-nist factions) was organized. It has stated that its goal is to force senate to allow everyone to attend senate meetings and listen to the "private" discus- Discordia to become home of Saudi Arabian harem BY BOSO BEASLEY In a last-ditch attempt to turn Discordia into a successful busi-ness, President Paul Cudly sold the school to Saudi Arabian millionaire Mohammed Ak-Med Ak-Med Abdul Zamaal San Salvador for a reported $67 million. Asked for comments, Cudly, (who will now be refer-red to as Shah Cudly) claimed that "Abdul promised to take very good care of the school and to let me ride in his Cadillacs." Cudly not only convinced Mr. Salvador that it would be "fun" to own a college, but also employed his quick wit to con-vince him that there were vast supplies of oil beneath the campus grounds. This was accomplished by showing him hamburgers and French fries from the Normandy. Cudly also warned Mr. Salva-b U C db h y dor about 400 dnb, who owned the college previous to Mr. Salvador's purchase. Fear-ing opposition, Salvador then went on to purchase the C-400 Club, paying almost a doDar for each member. He proceeded to buy them each a Mickey Mouse hat and then shipped them to Nome, Alaska, complete with build-it-yourself igloo kits, a week's supply of whale blubber, and an ice pick each. Mr. Salvador quickly an-nounced housing changes for the next school year. Hoyum will be •used to house himself and his' harem of 612 women. East ' Complex will be turned into a seven-story tent village and Park Region will be turned into a large sand dune. Anticipating the resulting housing problem, Mr. Salvador has decided to build four Holiday Inns in Dil-worth to be used solely for Discordia students. Students will be transported via heli-copter to the campus grounds. Salvador also plans on building a dome over the Fargo-Moorhead area in order to regulate the temperature at 68 degrees F. He has also agreed to pay every student's cost for at-tending Discordia, remarking that "Nobody likes to go to school, so why should they have to pay for it?" In an effort to improve the men's basketball team, Salvador has purchased the Boston Beltics, a profes-sional basketball team, and has renamed them the Boston Cob-bers. As a small payment for his kindness, all students gradu-ating from Discordia will be forced to give Mr. Salvador their first-born son and their own right arms. All fingers must be attached. Parking stickers for students* camels may be purchased in the registrar's office. sions. Last February, several members of this group stormed a senate meeting and chained themselves to the chairs and tables. After intense confusion and struggling, Campus Secu-rity guards were able to remove the intruders. The leader of the group, overcome with emotion, made the impassioned plea, "Let me hear or let me die!" He is currently awaiting execution in Utah. Lion John feels confident that the new bouncers can take care of any further trouble. "They've had extensive training both in Chicago and Sicily,' boasts John. One of the bouncers, Benjie Capone (grandson of Al), added, "The Godfather taught us well." Another of the guards had served in Atlanta in the early 1960*s, where he received extensive training from the KKK. "We're prepared for any situation," Benjie stated. When questioned on the cost-effectiveness of such an action, Lion John responded that this year's activity fund surplus will go to pay Ben and his buddies. Also, Capone's men will be helping out in other SA-spon-sored activities, to name a lew: loan-sharking during Casino Nights, on-campus bootlegging,, and offering "protection* ser-vices to any interested students. Contact the Student Senate for details on "protection" and the « . . „ , . « . .••_•! * A i u — Public Hearings Act. Baby Face" and boys guard hallowed senate chambers Biology department disrupts life with nauseating water By MUNGO PARK Amidst widespread accusa-tions and incriminating evi-dence, the biology department accepted full blame for the foul water that hit campus this past week. As the mysterious plot began to unfold it became clear that the contaminated water was in fact the work of a highly intellectual but perverted group of biology students, under the leadership of faculty member Dr. Eric Son (Sarge). Apparent-ly, the warp-minded group was attempting to undermine the •recent boost in school morale brought on by the current warm weather. As we went to press late last night. Campus Security was busily rounding up the last of Sergeant Son's fellow cons-pirators on charges of high treason. The action began in the wee hours of Monday morning when "Sarge," a demolition expert with experience dating from the Spanish-American War, led a group of students south of town where they blew a hole in a dike at a sugar beet factory. Water, infested with rotting sugar beets, slowly began oozing its way into the Red River, carry-ing its nauseating stench with it. Meanwhile, another group spiked the coffee at the local water treatment plant, thus -preventing the night workers from noticing any change in the incoming water. By the time the plot was discovered, the entire Fargo-Moorhead area was beset with stinking water. An un-usually high number of head-aches at the water treatment plant the next morning prevent-ed any immediate action. The conspirators would have gotten off scot-free if it wasn't for the prompt and alert action of the local campus security. One of the guards, Ralph Dilenger, noticed unusual enthusiasm in the 8:30 a.m. Monday morning biology class while making his routine rounds. His suspicion really became aroused when sophomore Kathy Spike actually arrived on time for'the class. Dilenger immediately reported to his supervisor and an investi-gation was underway. By Wednesday evening the plot had been laid bare and charges were being pressed. In the face of overwhelming evi-dence, the biology department admitted its guilt and Sai*ge submitted peacefully to arrest. Trial has been scheduled for April 1, 1979. Flounder's Fund doing whale Three Blind Lice The Shiek flashes his now church affiliated million dollar amfle. By MALLORY ANOPLURA In early February Moorhead State University co-eds experi-enced an outbreak of lice. The insects were first detected on two girls in Dull Hall, and soon cases were reported campus-wide. Forty-five people were eventually afflicted. Two weeks later, through means not yet fully understood by Discordia College administra-tors, the lice founa their way to Cobberville. Cases were repor-ted in Snifdalen Hall and the men's floors in Dogshed Manner. Commenting on the problem, Discordia President Paul Cud-dlev said, "This is in direct violation of the school's policy of in loco parasite, and the louse responsible for spreading: the lice will be disciplined, if found. Frankly, the whole situation really bugs me." - By CHARLIE LA TUNA According to Lorenzo Ander-soni, Discordia College's jet-set-ting Vice-President of Develop-ment, the Flounders' Fund Drive is going well. To date more than $5,000,000 and 23 tons of kelp have been pledged in the college's most ambitious money-raising effort ever. The goal of the drive is to raise $10,000,000 to build a large aquarium in the basement of Pork Region Hall. In addition to providing entertainment for co-eds on dateless weekends, the facility will be used in a study to determine if Commons food causes "Cobber gills" in marine life.
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